培養孩子自我控制能力

文：黃凱祥

作為家長，我們經常會面對孩子的情緒波動，特別是當他們表現出不安、哭鬧或是無法控制的行為時，這些時刻可能會讓家長感到沮喪甚至疲憊。然而，理解到孩子在這些表現背後的原因與發展特質，將有助於我們更好地引導他們。孩子的大腦結構和情緒系統尚未完全成熟，控制情緒和行為對他們來說是新穎的挑戰。他們正在學習如何識別、表達並適當地管理自己的情緒，因此我們的角色是幫助他們在這條學習之路上，透過耐心和指導來培養他們的自我控制能力。

學會自我控制的這項技能，不僅僅是避免大哭大鬧，更能幫助他們在不同情境下做出正確的選擇。隨著孩子成長，自我控制能力的提升將讓他們逐漸學會理解行為的後果，並選擇適合的方式處理情緒和解決問題。這裡提供一些方法，協助家長從孩子年幼時開始，循序漸進地引導他們邁向自我控制的學習之路。

幫助孩子理解自我控制的概念

首先，家長要理解自我控制對孩子的意義。這是指我們在面對挑戰或情緒波動時，能夠抑制衝動並選擇合適行為的能力。對於小孩子來說，這種能力的發展並非一蹴而就，而是需要在日常生活中逐步鍛鍊的。

許多家長可能會注意到，孩子容易對小小的挫折大發脾氣，比如晚餐後才能吃甜點，但孩子想要立刻吃到。這時候，孩子的衝動行為是一種對需求迫切的表現，但透過自我控制的學習，孩子將逐漸意識到「等一會兒」可能是更好的選擇。他們會知道，無論如何發脾氣都不能改變事實，而耐心等候反而會得到父母的認同和信任。

不同年齡階段的自我控制教導

2歲以下的幼兒

對於年幼的孩子來說，情緒的表達方式通常相對直接。在2歲以下的幼兒階段，他們尚未能完全理解「等待」或「自我控制」的概念，因此，當他們「想要」而無法如願時，往往會因為挫敗感而大哭或發脾氣。這樣的情緒反應是正常的，因為他們的大腦正處於快速發展階段，尚未建立成熟的行為抑制系統。

在面對這種情境時，家長可以考慮採用分散注意力的方式，當孩子無法如願以償時，可以用玩具、遊戲或故事來引導他們轉移注意力。這種方法不僅能緩解孩子的情緒，還可以幫助他們學會如何在受到限制時找到其他方式來表達自己。

此外，家長可以為兩歲左右的孩子設置一個「冷靜區」，當孩子發脾氣時，可以讓他們坐在這個地方冷靜片刻。這個「冷靜區」的設置並非懲罰，而是提供一個溫馨是放鬆的環境讓孩子先將情緒緩和下來，他們不一定理解情緒爆發會有什麼後果，但是，在成人的協助引導下，可以轉移情緒並學習以更合適的方式應對挫折。

3-5歲的兒童

隨著孩子成長，3到5歲的孩子開始對自我控制有了更高的理解力。在這個階段，家長可以逐步加入一些具體的策略來幫助孩子發展自我控制。依然可以沿用「冷靜區」的概念，但這時候可以鼓勵孩子主動決定何時準備好離開冷靜區，並與父母進行溝通。這樣的安排能讓孩子在情緒冷靜後更有意識地了解自我控制的重要性，也幫助他們學會通過冷靜來解決問題。

此外，當孩子能夠理解一些基本的行為後果時，家長可以進一步引導他們思考行為的結果。比如告訴孩子，若能夠冷靜等待，他們就會得到正向的結果；而若選擇發脾氣，則無法達到預期的效果。這種後果思維有助於孩子理解行為和結果之間的關聯，並讓他們學會在面對挑戰時做出更合適的決定。

面對孩子失控時的處理策略

即使我們盡力引導孩子學習自我控制，也無法避免他們偶爾出現失控行為。在這些時刻，家長的反應對孩子的學習有著深遠的影響。當孩子的情緒已經失控，家長必須先保持冷靜，盡量避免因孩子的行為而變得情緒化。這種冷靜是孩子模仿的榜樣，它讓孩子明白，面對困難或挑戰時，保持理智是可以做到的。

在孩子情緒失控的情況下，可以採用溫柔而堅定的語氣告訴他們，大哭、亂發脾氣、亂丟東西等行為是不被接受的，並引導他們到冷靜區稍作休息。在這段冷靜時間中，孩子有機會思考一下自己行為的影響（我們不說「後果」喔！），重點在於理解這種行為不僅無助於達到他們的目的，慢慢學習到不需要激烈的情緒，透過語言溝通才更能解決問題。

堅持一致是非常重要的，家長需要清晰地告訴孩子，若使用情緒威脅的方式來達到目的，結果將是不如他們所願的。當孩子逐漸明白這一點，他們會開始認識到情緒勒索無法奏效，並轉而尋求更成熟的表達方式。

從父母身上學習情緒管理

孩子最初的情緒管理模式往往來自於父母的行為。當家長面對壓力或挑戰時，展示出的冷靜與理性是孩子的最佳學習榜樣。例如，當您遇到困難時，可以坦誠地和孩子分享您的感受，並告訴他們您是如何解決問題的。這樣的分享能夠讓孩子了解到，即使是大人也會有沮喪或不安的時刻，但選擇面對問題並尋找解決方案是積極的行為。

甚至可以邀請孩子一起討論問題，讓他們有機會提供自己的小建議。這種互動不僅增強了孩子的自我價值感，也讓他們明白，在困難的情境中，控制情緒是解決問題的重要步驟之一。

鼓勵孩子思考行為後果

在幫助孩子學習自我控制的過程中，重要的一點是讓孩子意識到行為的後果。這種反思能力並非與生俱來，而是通過反覆的引導和經驗累積而逐漸發展的。家長可以在日常生活中創造一些小情境，讓孩子體驗行為的結果，例如，「如果玩具沒有收好，它可能會被弄壞，或是下次找不到了」。

當孩子意識到每個行為都會帶來相應的後果，他們將學會在做決定前進行思考，並選擇那些帶來正面影響的行為。這種對行為後果的理解是自我控制發展的重要部分，讓孩子在面對情緒波動時能夠更有意識地選擇適當的行動。

使用正向強化來激勵孩子

當孩子表現出良好的自我控制能力時，家長可以適時給予肯定與鼓勵，這種正向強化有助於孩子建立自信。例如，當孩子耐心等待到晚餐後再享用甜點，您可以稱讚他的耐心和自我控制，並表達您對他的表現感到驕傲。這樣的鼓勵讓孩子明白，自我控制並不是一種壓抑，而是達成目標的積極選擇。正向的反饋能夠激勵孩子持續選擇更健康的行為模式，並幫助他們在日常生活中不斷進步。

正向強化的方式不僅限於言語的表達，也可以透過具體的行動，例如讓孩子感受到您跟孩子的語言更豐富（請練習多跟孩子做正向的對話）、關心更多，遊戲參與感更密切，都能讓孩子感受到親密與情感。請記住營造溫馨的家庭氣氛和親密互動，能夠減少負面和激烈的情緒，這就是正向的激勵。

設定適當的期待並提供穩定的支持

每個孩子的發展速度和個性各異，因此家長要根據孩子的具體情況設定適當的期待，並提供穩定的支持。避免期望孩子立即達到完美的自我控制，尤其是在年幼的孩子身上，自我控制是隨著年齡和經驗慢慢建立的。當孩子出現情緒波動時，家長應該耐心引導，並透過反覆的示範和溫柔的指導，讓孩子逐漸學會如何管理自己的情緒。

建立穩定的家庭規範和行為標準對孩子學習自我控制也非常重要。當孩子了解什麼行為是被接受的，什麼行為是不可取的，他們在面對選擇時就會更有依據。這種穩定性和一致性能讓孩子感受到安全感，並減少情緒不穩的狀況。

鼓勵孩子進行自我評估

在孩子能夠進一步理解自我控制的概念後，可以適時地引導他們進行自我評估。當孩子完成某項任務或度過一個情緒波動的時刻時，您可以問問孩子：「你覺得自己處理得如何？」「有沒有什麼地方可以做得更好？」這些問題可以幫助孩子反思自己的行為，並在未來遇到類似情境時做出更好的選擇。

這種自我評估不僅僅是一種回顧行為的方式，更是讓孩子學會自我調整的契機。當孩子能夠反思並總結出改進的方法時，他們的自我控制能力將進一步提升，也能逐漸掌握在不同情境下如何有效地管理情緒。

引導孩子進行放鬆練習

除了具體的行為引導，家長還可以教導孩子一些放鬆練習，幫助他們在情緒激動時進行自我安撫。例如，深呼吸練習可以讓孩子在面對壓力時冷靜下來，這是一種簡單而有效的方式。當孩子感到生氣或焦慮時，可以鼓勵他們深吸一口氣，然後慢慢呼出，重複幾次。這種練習可以讓孩子在情緒波動中找到平靜的方式，進而更好地控制自己的情緒。

還可以考慮教導孩子一些簡單的正念練習，讓他們學會在當下觀察自己的感受，並逐步接納這些感受。這種正念練習並不需要複雜的技巧，只需要幾分鐘的時間，可以讓孩子將注意力集中在自己的呼吸或身體感覺上，幫助他們在情緒上得到舒緩，從而在面對挑戰時更加冷靜。

培養孩子的自我控制能力是一個長期的過程，需要家長的耐心、理解和支持。孩子的成長過程中，必然會經歷無數次的情緒波動和行為失控，但這些都是他們學習的機會。我們不僅僅是教育他們如何遵循規範，更是在幫助他們學會如何管理自己的情緒，並在各種情境中找到最適合的應對方式。

透過這些方法，孩子將逐漸發展出成熟的自我控制能力，這種能力將使他們在未來面對人生的挑戰時更加穩健和自信。孩子終將學會在不受情緒影響的情況下做出理智的決定，而這份能力也將成為他們走向成功與幸福生活的重要基礎。 Developing Self-Control in Children: A Guide for Parents

As parents, we often encounter our children’s emotional fluctuations, especially when they show signs of unease, crying, or difficulty managing their behaviors. These moments can be challenging, even exhausting. However, understanding the reasons behind these behaviors and recognizing the developmental characteristics of children can help us guide them more effectively. Children’s brains and emotional systems are still maturing, and controlling emotions and behaviors is a novel challenge for them. They are learning to identify, express, and appropriately manage their feelings. Our role is to support them on this learning journey, fostering their self-control with patience and guidance.

The skill of self-control is essential for children’s long-term well-being. It’s not just about avoiding tantrums; it also helps them make thoughtful choices in various situations. As children grow, their ability to control themselves gradually allows them to understand the consequences of their actions and choose appropriate ways to handle emotions and solve problems. Here, we provide some methods to help parents guide their children on the path to self-control, starting from a young age and progressing step by step.

Helping Children Understand Self-Control

First, parents need to understand what self-control means for children. Self-control is the ability to inhibit impulsive behaviors and make suitable choices when facing challenges or emotional upheavals. For young children, developing this ability doesn’t happen overnight; it requires consistent practice in daily life.

Many parents may notice that children are quick to react with frustration over minor setbacks, such as wanting to eat dessert immediately after dinner. In such moments, the child’s impulsive behavior reflects their urgent needs. However, as they learn self-control, they gradually realize that “waiting a little longer” might be a better choice. They learn that having a tantrum won’t change the situation, and that patient waiting will gain them acknowledgment and trust from their parents.

Teaching Self-Control at Different Ages

For Children Under 2 Years Old

At a young age, children’s expressions of emotions tend to be direct. In the stage under 2 years old, they have yet to fully understand concepts like “waiting” or “self-control,” so when they “want” something but cannot have it, they often respond with crying or tantrums due to frustration. Such emotional reactions are normal, as their brains are rapidly developing and have not yet established mature behavior inhibition systems.

In these situations, parents can consider redirecting their attention. When a child cannot have their way, offering a toy, a game, or a story can help divert their focus. This approach not only calms the child’s emotions but also teaches them alternative ways to express themselves when they face limitations.

Additionally, parents can set up a “calm-down corner” for children around the age of two, where they can sit and cool down when they become upset. This “calm-down corner” is not a form of punishment but a soothing space where children can first ease their emotions. While they may not fully understand the consequences of emotional outbursts, they can learn to shift their emotions and adopt better ways of handling frustration with adult guidance.

For Children Aged 3 to 5 Years

As children grow, those between the ages of 3 and 5 begin to better understand the concept of self-control. At this stage, parents can gradually introduce specific strategies to help develop their self-control. The “calm-down corner” can still be useful, but at this stage, encourage the child to decide when they’re ready to leave and communicate with you. This arrangement helps children become more aware of the importance of self-control after calming down and teaches them to use calmness to solve problems.

When children start to understand some basic behavior consequences, parents can guide them to think about the outcomes of their actions. For instance, explain that if they stay calm and wait, they will experience positive results, but if they choose to throw a tantrum, they may not achieve their desired outcome. This approach helps children grasp the connection between behaviors and results, teaching them to make more appropriate decisions when facing challenges.

Strategies for Handling Children’s Loss of Control

Even with our best efforts to guide children in learning self-control, they may still have occasional outbursts. During these times, parents’ responses significantly impact children’s learning. When a child has lost control, parents need to stay calm and avoid becoming emotionally reactive. This calmness sets a model for children, showing them that it is possible to maintain composure when facing difficulties or challenges.

When a child is in a state of emotional turmoil, parents can use a gentle yet firm tone to explain that crying, tantrums, or throwing things are unacceptable behaviors, and encourage them to take a break in the calm-down corner. During this break, children have the opportunity to think about the impact of their actions (without framing it as “consequences” necessarily). The focus is on understanding that such behavior does not help them achieve their goals and that calm communication is a more effective way to solve problems.

Consistency is crucial. Parents need to make it clear to children that using emotional manipulation to achieve their goals will not work. As children gradually realize this, they will start to understand that emotional coercion is ineffective and seek more mature ways to express themselves.

Learning Emotion Management from Parents

Children’s initial models for managing emotions often come from their parents’ behavior. When parents face stress or challenges, showing calmness and rationality provides the best example for children to learn from. For instance, if you encounter a difficult situation, you can share your feelings with your child and explain how you resolve the problem. This sharing allows children to see that even adults feel frustration or anxiety at times, but choosing to face problems and finding solutions is a constructive behavior.

You can even invite children to discuss issues with you, allowing them to provide their own small suggestions. This interaction not only enhances children’s self-worth but also teaches them that controlling emotions is an essential step in problem-solving, especially in challenging situations.

Encouraging Children to Reflect on Their Actions

An essential part of helping children learn self-control is guiding them to recognize the impact of their actions. This reflective ability is not innate; it develops gradually through repeated guidance and experience. Parents can create small situations in daily life that allow children to experience the outcomes of their actions, such as, “If you don’t put your toys away, they may get broken or lost.”

When children understand that every action has a corresponding outcome, they learn to think before making decisions and choose behaviors that yield positive outcomes. This understanding of action-outcome relationships is fundamental in developing self-control, allowing children to consciously choose suitable actions when dealing with emotional fluctuations.

Using Positive Reinforcement to Motivate Children

When children demonstrate good self-control, parents can affirm and encourage them. This positive reinforcement builds children’s confidence. For example, when a child patiently waits until after dinner to enjoy dessert, you can praise their patience and self-control and express your pride in their behavior. This encouragement shows children that self-control is not about suppression but about making positive choices to achieve their goals. Positive feedback encourages children to continue choosing healthier behavior patterns and helps them steadily progress in daily life.

Positive reinforcement isn’t limited to words of praise; it can also be shown through actions. For instance, make time for engaging conversations, express genuine interest, and participate in activities together. This warmth and closeness create a comforting family atmosphere, reducing the likelihood of negative or intense emotions.

Setting Appropriate Expectations and Providing Steady Support

Every child’s developmental pace and personality differ, so parents should set expectations based on their child’s individual situation and provide consistent support. Avoid expecting children to achieve perfect self-control immediately, especially in young children. Self-control builds gradually as they gain age and experience. When children experience emotional fluctuations, parents should patiently guide them and use repeated demonstrations and gentle instruction to help them learn to manage their emotions gradually.

Establishing stable family rules and behavioral standards is also essential for children learning self-control. When children understand what behaviors are acceptable and what are not, they have a foundation for making choices. This stability and consistency give children a sense of security and reduce emotional instability.

Encouraging Children to Self-Evaluate

Once children can understand the concept of self-control better, parents can guide them to engage in self-evaluation. After completing a task or calming down after an emotional moment, ask your child, “How do you think you handled it?” or “Is there anything you could have done better?” These questions help children reflect on their actions and make better choices in future similar situations.

Self-evaluation is not only a way to review actions but also an opportunity for children to learn self-adjustment. As children reflect and conclude areas for improvement, their self-control improves, and they learn to manage emotions effectively across different situations.

Teaching Relaxation Exercises

In addition to behavioral guidance, parents can teach children relaxation techniques to help them self-soothe when emotions are intense. For example, deep breathing exercises can help children stay calm under pressure. When they feel angry or anxious, encourage them to take a deep breath and exhale slowly, repeating this a few times. This practice allows children to find a calming method during emotional waves, helping them control their feelings more effectively.

Simple mindfulness exercises can also help children observe and accept their feelings gradually. These exercises don’t require complex techniques—just a few minutes of focusing on breathing or bodily sensations can provide emotional relief, allowing children to approach challenges with greater calmness.

Conclusion

Developing self-control in children is a long-term process requiring parents’ patience, understanding, and support. Throughout a child’s growth, they will inevitably experience many emotional fluctuations and behavioral challenges, yet each instance is a learning opportunity. We are not just teaching them to follow rules; we are helping them learn to manage their emotions and find the best responses in various situations.

Through these methods, children will gradually develop mature self-control skills. This ability will empower them to face life’s challenges with resilience and confidence. Children will eventually learn to make rational decisions without being swayed by emotions